The phone rang a while ago and I answered, “T. F. Stern & Company, Locksmith, Good Morning”. The woman on the other end could have cared
less what had just been shared as she began introducing her company as some
kind of media outlet intent on finding out what kind of toilet paper we use,
what kind of breakfast cereal we purchase or some other waste of my time.
Before she could get started I asked, “Did you lose your
key?”
“Huh?” You could tell
she wasn’t prepared to answer my question.
“I asked, did you lose your key? Most folks who call a locksmith need a key
made; so, did you lose your key?” There
were a few moments of silence followed by the funny sound our phone makes when
the caller abruptly ends a conversation, a little digital gurgling noise like a
musical note drowning in a pool of water.
I used to get annoyed and say ugly things into the phone
when unsolicited callers would interrupt my solitude; but that showed a lack of
character on my part. I learned from
listening to others how to deal with “spam callers”; waste their time asking
them questions, it seems to work.
The best one I heard was a recording made by a fellow who’d
become quite adept at “jerking the chain” of unsolicited callers. He’d spent hours upon hours developing various
replies that would stop unwanted callers in their tracks and put the intruding
caller on the defense.
He’d waited for the introduction to be completed and then
announce that he was Detective Soandso from the police department investigating
a homicide. He then went straight for
the jugular, “How well did you know the deceased?”
There would be silence on the other end of the phone, a
clearing of the throat as the pollster attempted to extricate himself from the
conversation.
“Please don’t hang up, the call has already been traced and
it would further implicate your involvement in the crime.” This line of attack would go on for several
minutes, “We’ve learned that the victim was a homosexual; were you his lover or
just someone he picked up at the local gay bar?”
I’m going Google search this to see if there’s a copy of
that somewhere. In the mean time, if
you’re planning to call my locksmith business phone, try to remember, I cut
keys; I don’t like to waste my time doing interviews about what brand of soap
my family uses.
This will also appear as a feature article on
Fiercely Independent Locksmiths of America’s website.
3 comments:
Tom Mabe:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkdoogjic4I
Back in the days of aggressive long-distance phone service tele-marketing my favorite response was:
"My current service seems to have all of the features I need. I cam make calls. I can receive calls. And it does this... Click bzzzzzzzzzzz
Here's one Atta-Boy going out to John for locating the Youtube of Tom Mabe doing his homicide investigation prank on the phone. Thank you!
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