I avoided writing about my feelings this week, those feelings which I keep locked away, those which are so sensitive that the simplest reminder causes my emotions to overflow. I’ve read some well written blog articles, seen various media coverage during the week and was able to distance myself from those emotions somehow; that ended this morning.
I was preparing to go off on a locksmith job that had been scheduled the night before. Lucy was explaining how she had gone over to a friend's house to deliver something and the next thing they were talking about how her daughter was coping.
Out of respect for my friends I will not mention any names. Their daughter was working in one of the World Trade Centre buildings the day of the attacks. She witnessed far more than anyone should; much less have to relive those moments each year as the film footage is played over and over.
I learned that she was sheltered by friends across the river in New Jersey for quite a while, that she was unable to sleep for several days. She was unable to be alone, requiring somebody to be with her at all times. When she went to bed she had to have a lamp on at all times and still her sleep was interrupted with panic attacks and terrifying moments that replayed end to end as she recalled the horrors.
She has made good progress and continues to work in the metropolitan area, taking walks on the beach to relax. This past year while walking along the shore she saw an airplane low on the horizon as it positioned itself on approach to the local airport; that close proximity to a low flying jet caused her to run in panic and hide, believing that her life was in peril.
As for me, I recall leaving our home, having watched the televised nightmare on that fateful day. I thought my emotions had run their course and that by involving myself in work it might take my mind off what had happened. I was mistaken.
I remember arriving at one of my larger car dealerships to make a set of keys for a vehicle. Everyone was talking about the attacks, the buildings collapse being aired on every television. The manager, a friend of mine for quite some time came over and must have picked up on something he’d observed in my countenance, as he asked, “Are you okay?” I was thinking about my friend’s daughter, knowing how concerned they were and knowing that at the time I left they had not yet heard anything from her.
Something in my mind must have crossed the line that controls emotions as I heard, “Are you okay?”, my weakness permitted those emotions to spill over. Again, no names as it is not my intention to put a spotlight on anyone in particular; my response caught the car manager by surprise as he jumped to the conclusion that maybe one of my own family member’s lives might have been in question. It might have been that I was so close to my friends and their being in the dark as to whether or not their daughter was alive, injured, safe or whatever as my mind played a trick on me.
It was my daughter that was in peril and I bought it hook line and sinker at that moment in time. The tears in my eyes flowed down my cheeks and I had trouble breathing as I was unprepared to contemplate this new data. I remember being asked if I wanted to sit for a while; responding that, “I needed to work, to make a key and that maybe that would help”.
That was five years ago and this morning when Lucy said that she had spent an hour or so visiting to make sure that their daughter was handling all this, I found those emotions had been suppressed; but still quite potent. The tear ducts opened up and I found myself worrying about that young lady, how she might never leave those nightmares or that the slightest trigger mechanism might set it off all over again.
I learned that she’d gone to “ground zero” and managed to hold it together. Maybe, with any luck, my having written my feelings down will help my own healing process. For those who profess that we’re not at war; I invite you to explain that to my friends, their daughter, my friend at the car dealership and if they are unable to explain it to you; come by and I’ll give it one more try.
No comments:
Post a Comment