Saturday, December 23, 2006

Faux Fur Not Faux

Shoppers were shocked to find that Cuddles, “The Stinky Dog of China”, as it has been advertised, may not be the perfect Christmas gift after all as the rush for unusual gift items reaches its peak. US law leaves loopholes for importing many items made in China and other barbarian nations. Apparently some animals are protected while human beings, which are property of the State, are not. Imported clothing items claiming to be ornamented in faux fur are in fact made from raccoons or dogs that have the appearance of raccoons ( link via title bar ). Chinese clothing manufacturers have recently been exposed for the inhumane manner in which animals are destroyed to obtain their skins.

A watchdog agency tested Cuddles and found that the toy pet’s skin, which officials claimed to be made from the intestines of tortured political prisoners, was in fact made from the entrails of whimpering sniveling humanitarian watchdogs. There have been reports that watchdog members, those who complain about inhumane treatment to animals, disappear and are never heard from again; that is until now. Chinese government officials refused to comment and calls left at the local embassy were not returned.

The hairless mongrel has been sold successfully, primarily in cities where Pit Bulls have been outlawed. A survey of paroled convicted felons established that professional burglars avoided breaking into homes that smelled like they might have a Pit Bull and targeted other unsuspecting homes. Cuddles skin has a slimy feel accompanied by the odor of spoiled hamburger meat left out of the refrigerator too long. Those purchasing the product claim that Cuddles is the perfect pet because it never needs feeding, it’s hairless body never sheds and is easy to find in a cluttered apartment since, as advertisers claim, “Cuddles smells like a Mongolian clogged sewer system”.

The break came during testing when pieces of an ACLU membership card were found in the seams of one toy. Urine from the card was matched to an ACLU attorney’s urine sample left on the Constitution during a recent attempt to subpoena documents that had been shared with terrorist groups, documents that had been classified as Top Secret.

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