If You Were President

CNN asks for help; maybe they figured out that the rubes they’ve been backing just don’t have what it take, in any case take your best shot.

“The race for the White House is underway -- and the field is wide open. Let's say YOU were going to toss your hat into the ring. What kind of campaign promises would you make? What kind of president would you be? And what are you looking for in a candidate?”

I filled out one of these a long time ago; but my 5th grade teacher didn’t like the fact that a presidential candidate couldn’t spell and took points off; that and the fact that I turned it in late didn’t help. Just getting warmed up, give me a break…

The biggest problem I see with asking the Average American what they want in a president is they have no idea what the job requires. It’s a great job if you don’t mind getting second guessed by a news media with the scruples of a pack of jackals who not only go after whatever scraps you might have; but your family as well. If I wanted to be an open book, willing to have everyone take pot shots at me I’d start a blog; come to think of it I already did. Look out New Hampshire, here I come and I’ve got a bus load of backers from all over to make it look like I’m popular too; okay, so it’s a Ford Windstar van with only four regular followers. Big deal; I don’t hear that applause yet...

Seriously folks, sounds like a stand up lead in, I don’t want the job. I wouldn’t mind being a Supreme Court Justice; a job for life where my word trumps that of all you common folk running around thinking your vote really counts for something. No, give me a seat in one of those leather chairs and a black robe if you please; that’s where the real power lies. I don’t think it’s proper to use the word “lies” in that sentence; gives the wrong impression regarding the quest for truth, justice and the American way. Bada bing!

The American public has the idea their Commander in Chief should be some kind of photogenic movie star first and foremost. Get me some staff writers, plenty of them out there looking for work due to the guild strike. Make it look like I know more about the oil industry than folks who’ve spent an entire career, just so I can convince the public how bad big oil is for making a profit. Let’s not forget how bad oil is for the environment, so rather than become energy dependent let’s continue funding terrorist states, heaven forbid we alter the Lilliputian rules and regulations preventing the drilling, refining and consumption of oil. Make a note, I want all internal combustion engines to get at least 75mpg by the year 2047 or we’ll cut funding. Bada bang!

No more water boarding of prisoners unless they smell really bad. Rim shot!

I sent off for Spanish on CD and it should be here in time for me to learn what Cinco De Mayo means. I ordered that at Casa Ole and they brought me another bowl of chips. I don’t think anyone will mind my flying the Mexican flag next to the Red White and Aqua. Another rim shot if you will… They laughed at that one on the Letterman show; come on now…

That about covers my qualifications for President of these here United States of America. I promise not to cry at coffee shop pep rallies, spend more on a hair cut than I do for a tank of gasoline, pretend I’ll represent all Americans while attending a church which promotes bigotry toward one race and only one race. I’ll bring Change to the White House along with vast experience; just don’t ask me to elaborate. My first act upon raising my hand up to the square will be to put a lien on everything Bill Gates owns and begin redistributing all that excessive wealth to you ninnies. Vote For ME! Bada boom!